For men, giving gifts to women can be a loaded endeavor. The wrong gift can send her flying out of the room, in a flurry of tears. The right gift can make her shout her love for you from the rooftops.

Here at the Doozy labs, we came up with some of the worst birthday gifts:

A vacuum cleaner. (A “gift” that has angered women for generations now.)

A toaster. (Toasting devices just aren’t that romantic, as a rule.)

Tickets to your favorite sporting event

A How-to Cooking Book

Wilted flowers. (No roses from discount racks ever!)

Macaroni art

Any perfume that starts with “Eau de Generic”

A monkey (Too much maintenance)

Modeling lessons

Mice

Control top panty hose

A one-way ticket to Palookaville

Coupons

Origami (It’s still paper, man. Still paper.)

Postage stamps

Canned goods

Kindling

Sagely advice and/or words of wisdom

A therapist

A Weight Watchers brochure (not even a membership? Come on.)

Boxing gloves

A Book Entitled “How to Handle your Recent Break-up”

“I’m with Stupid” t-shirts

Mime lessons

Two for one lap dances at local strip club

A hearty slap on the back

Okay, you get the gist. Think about your gift from her perspective. Take note of her interests, hobbies and items that are dear to her. And remember, a gift from the heart wins out every time.

Another smart idea? Start the day out right by sending her one of our free birthday e-cards for her. These free birthday e-cards are bound to put a smile on her. And for our sisters reading this, we also have male-brain-friendly ecards for him too.

It’s no monkey, but still…considerably less clean-up.