In case you’ve been living under a rock (and if so, congratulations. It just feels safer there, doesn’t it?), you’ve heard about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce. They, on the other hand, know nothing about your divorce (but did you? Really. Really?). Or anniversary. Or your very existence. But no matter. Let’s proceed to the funny, shall we?

We at the Doozy Labs came up with imaginary anniversary gifts from Tom Cruise to his next wife:

The Stepford Wives DVD with bonus features

Clay molding classes

GPS tracking chips and salsa

A bedroom door made of boulders

Matching “Scientology Can be Fun, I Swear” tattoos

Mind Melding for Dummies book

A 9-foot pencil sketch of Tom Cruise circa Risky Business (Yes, that’s it up at the top)

New teeth

An invisible tether

Lip clips

Stern advice

Your special corner for time-outs

An ivory tower

5-inch height reduction surgery

The opportunity to speak

Okay, okay. We don’t know if Tom Cruise was that bad. And who knows? Katie Holmes may have been no walk in the Central park with fashionable Suri. And they did last five years together, which is like, 400 years in Hollywood time. So onward and upward, the two of you!

If you have an anniversary coming up, remember to start his or her day off right with a funny free anniversary ecard.

Here’s a link to the Tom Cruise Gallery where we found the 9 foot TC pencil sketch and other Tom Cruise art: http://www.myspace.com/tomcruiseisdabomb/photos/10232257