Alternative Uses for the Common Turkey

So you bought yourself a turkey but the idea of cooking it seems so horribly…passé. Especially when this “wonder bird” offers a range of other fun possibilities.

Consider the following uses:

Ice Skates – just insert blades in a pair of birds and truss your feet in. You’ll be the envy of all of your friends who blindly adhere to the traditional (and ho-hum) ice-skates.

Edible Doghouse for Small Dogs – Kill two birds with one stone with this brilliant habitat for pups. Not only does a large turkey comfortably house your little pooch, it also serves as Spot’s dinner.

Car Wax Mitt – Why use toxic, chemically-laden car wax to polish your car when an organic turkey’s natural fats can add an unmistakable sheen? (Also perfect for buffing your hardwood floors.)

Airplane Pillow – We all know how difficult it is to get comfortable on an airplane. Why twist and turn when a turkey holds all the creature comfort you really need?

Bobbing for Turkey – Your friends will love this out-of-the-box, apple-free game! Just fill up a tub of water, drop the turkeys in, and let the fun begin!

Boxing Gloves – Back in the day, when pugilists couldn’t afford pricey boxing gloves, they often resorted to a pair of common turkeys to deliver their punch…and they still pack a wallop!

Baby Seat – Simply truss your child into the safe and comfortable confines of a large
turkey, buckle up, and off you go!

Lunchbox Pail – Metrosexuals everywhere love the cool, chic and distinctive look of a turkey lunchbox. Everyone will ask, “Where did he get that?” Not Bloomingdales, baby!

A Fashionable Hand Muff – Keep your hands warm this winter by using a turkey as a hand muffler. (For added warmth, cook the turkey first.)

Gift Wrapping – Need a quick wrap for that bottle of wine? Turkey. A diamond ring for the love of your life? Turkey. Don’t have time to get a gift? A turkey with an IOU note.

If you plan on simply cooking and eating your turkey (yawn), then we wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, where a fun and festive collection of Thanksgiving ecards awaits your delivery.

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