Morris, from one of our Anti-Valentine’s Day ecards

This one is dedicated to all of the men out there who are trying to break free from a pesky relationship…or those who just want to play a good (albeit risky) joke on that significant other of yours. Follow these steps on Valentine’s Day and you’re guaranteed to lose that ol’ ball and chain” for good!

• Wax nostalgic about glorious Valentine’s Days of your past, look wistful, and sigh a lot.
• Tell her red is definitely not her color.
• Take her to a local McDonald’s and say, “Let’s keep it simple this year, shall we?”
• Talk about your mother excessively.
• Talk about her mother excessively.
• Bring home February’s issue of Playboy with a big grin on your face and head to the bathroom. Stay in there for most of the evening.
• Give her a membership to Weight Watchers.
• Put “Love Stinks” on repeat play.
• Talk endlessly about your irritable bowel syndrome.
• Burp-sing her favorite love song.
• When she goes in for a hug, stick out your hand.
• Tell her the toilet bowl really needs a good scrubbing. Hand her the Ajax and a brush.
• Whisper “you’re a sweet nothing” in her ear.
• Explain how you have a “hankering to hang out with the guys tonight.”
• On your Facebook page, to which she is linked, post pictures of you and “the guys” in a well known gay bar…. shirtless…… and slow dancing.
• mock her ankles.

Okay, seriously…don NOT do any of these things if you value your relationship. Even if you don’t, ignore the above anyway, for your own health and well being as well as hers! (Ladies, now you know the game and may prepare your counter strategies). Instead of all this, start the day off right and set the tone of love and affection with free Valentine’s Day ecards.

The sky’s the limit from there…and no toasters either.